subjectivity

I write.

2009-08-07T06:27:00.000+08:00

I write to tell you stories I may forget
Someday.
I write with the hope that you will read.
Someday.
I write with the hope that you will know me.
Someday.
I write for you to dream, the dreams i built with you in mind.
Someday.
I write for you to know yourself
Someday
I write for you.

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-07-28T23:07:00.001+08:00

What was the 7 months silence all about. Buzy beyond words can tell.

Thoughts For Two

2008-12-17T18:35:00.005+08:00

I thought a lot when I was pregnant with Ryan.
I was thinking if I can manage a baby.
I was thinking how my life would change with a little one around.
I was constantly (obsessively) thinking about my weight, watching it closely and praying hard it would not tip over the point of no return.
I was thinking how Ryan would look like, what kind of person he will grow up to be.
I was thinking if Ryan would like me (more than anyone else).
I prayed that Ryan will be a healthy kid - spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, socially.

I am still thinking of these things now. and even more.
I hope that they will like one another and get along well.
I hope Ryan will not feel any less-loved with his little brother around.
I hope we won't be mental with two boys in the house.
I prayed that I will have enough love and patience to keep everything in balance.

Real Love, Not.

2008-10-30T15:09:00.000+08:00

There is not real love in the world - and there is no unconditional love among human. So, don't bother investing and being all hopeful about it. What we deemed as love is nothing more than just a transaction. A dependency. An unhealthy dependency. When we love, we will always expect something in return - we want their love in return, we want their care, we want their companionship, we want whatever they can offer us. or we do it for our own gratification - to feel alive, to feel important, to feel we are someone, to feel life is something worth living for.

I sat there listening to him while others kept looking at me for some response. I kept quiet. Every year, I look forward to meeting new students - hoping to meet young minds with unconventional thoughts. I don't get lucky every year, I must say.

Spook around the crooks.

2008-10-28T22:00:00.005+08:00

I had a couple of interesting things happened at home recently. There have been accounts of paranormal experiences in the house we are living in. Few days ago, Stevie claimed that he felt a light tap on his shoulder in the night right at the back of the house, where our wet kitchen is. He had claimed, in different incidents, he thought he heard me calling him, but I was no where near him in those events. Ryan developed some outdoor fear a couple of months ago - he just refused to go out to the porch area, more specifically he didn't dare to look up to the sky, always hiding under the shelter. Come to think about it, sometimes, weird things do crop up in the house. There was a Ryan's electronic bouncy balls just swung into action out of no where. It has been on really low battery, or rather dysfunctional from all the battering Ryan and his cousins has done to it.

I never took these to heart, really. But today, Stevie owned up to me that he has spoken to one of our friends, who visited the house while it was under renovation before we moved in. This friend claims he has the third eye, and apparently he saw something - unpleasant - sitting on top of our roof. Tempted to give the description, but don't think that will nice. Coincidentally or not, the same place Ryan had refused to look at for the past months.

Our friend suggested us to go pay a visit to the 'datuk' few doors away, give some offering or some sort so 'he' will take care of the unwanted visitors. Or even have salt thrown around the house.

We joked about if we need some holy water to be sprinkled around the house, or even if we should consult our mothers.

I study psychology - about the skepticism science toward paranormal. I believe.
I believe in spirits, because I believe in God.
I believe if it is all real, they shall not be able to disturb us, unless we tempt fate.
I believe if the heart is right, there is nothing to fear.

What do you believe?
Is this real? Happy Halloween ...

I Simply love

2008-10-19T16:49:00.001+08:00

I simply love...

How your eyes widen when something amuses you.
How your eyes and mouth widen at the sight of food.
How your deafening scream when you find us hiding behind the door.
How your face glows with great sense of achievement when you put the puzzles together.
How you imitated the Olympic swimming routine you saw on TV - you swam on the floor at lightning speed.
How you fake a frown when you bid goodbye to me, and changed instantly to a cheeky smile.
How you roll over and put your arms over my shoulder when you were going to sleep.
To watch you falling asleep, and waking up.
To play with your little fingers while you are sleeping.
How you squint your eyes and called 'BahBah' loudly.
How you say (and insist) the alphabet C is indeed a Moon.
How you sing (in your own language).
How excited you get to see me home.
The way your hand taps on our backs when you hug.
How you kick a ball so skillfully
How you pretended to be a goal keeper rolling on the floor with the ball.
How you call Bob The Builder as Bobby.

How you bark after the neighbour's dog.
Your inquisitive mind when reading (looking at) books.
When you run to me for comfort in distress.
You.

Wannabe

2008-09-18T19:59:00.008+08:00

Among the many things he wants to become.

A Female Thing?

2008-09-04T20:22:00.004+08:00

I got a ride from a colleague the other day, and we chatted happily after not being able to do for about a month. Catching up and all that. As my colleague was driving along MRR2, a car on our left suddenly made a cut into our lane. My colleague was infuriated and press the honk really hard, while reinstating how women drivers are just so - 'lack of thinking ability' on the road. I looked at her, and hopes she remembers she is a female driver herself.

The following day, steve and I was on the Seremban highway, where we saw a massive jam ahead of us. Two cars away from us, the driver decided not to be part of the jam, suddenly made a left turn into the road leading up to the smart tunnel lane, THROUGH the divider poles!!!!! The car in front of us made a screeching break, and so did our car . It was really fortunate for everyone that we stopped in time, and there was no cars behind us speeding at that time. We took a good look at the mad driver, and what did we see... a female driver who looked as if nothing has happened.

Female drivers.... ???

Albums

2008-08-29T14:06:00.002+08:00

I didn't like taking photos since young. I didn't like how the photos turned out to be, either I look funny, big or just simply ridiculous. In many of our travelling trips, I dreaded to pose for the camera, and sometimes, I even secretly delete some ugly looking photos of me, behind steve's back.

Today I was browsing through pages of albums uploaded - the places we traveled to together, and special moments in the family, and even some uneventful daily routine - which turned out to be so precious when looked back. Each picture speaks just so much. Reminds me so much. And I missed those days lots.

Some pictures brought big smiles

How steve and i cramped up in a hollow tree trunk at Drottningholm Palace.
How silly I looked in an oversize red winter jacket.
The amount of instant noodles we had in our backpacking travels.
Each of the rooms we have stayed, including a closet in our travelings.
How Steve was having jelly knees on top of Pisa, and any other towers too.
The awesome St.Stephens.
Our favourite japanese noodles house, Ajisan at Nanjing Road.
The daily lives of the Shanghainese behind the giant development of this huge metropolitan, and those delicious supersized yau cha kueh and salty ta foo fa.
The special moment at West Lake under the willows.
How excited I got when I saw Gogh's artwork replica, on the billboard in the Shanghai subway stations.
Our first trip with Ryan.
How tiny Sean was as a newborn.
How mom and dad was so much younger looking 4 years ago.
The face of my brother as a new father.
How chubby and fat Ryan was as a baby.
the list seems endless.

I only wish that I have taken more.

14 - 7

2008-08-14T14:47:00.003+08:00

During our days as kids, my brother and I were told not to speak too quickly on this day, without using our heads that is. We weren't supposed to go out late at night. We weren't supposed to say or even point a finger when we see our neighbours putting variety of foods by the road side, or burning those paper money, don't even think of picking on the food. I could only watched mom carefully performed the rituals no questions asked. I remember I thought it was such a waste to be putting those round little biscuits with colorful icing on top by the street - just like that. I wished they end up in my mouth instead.

This is the day that freaks people out. The sight of people burning red candles and stuff can be creepy, if you watch enough of those Hong Kong horror movies. What was supposed to happen is that, some hungry ghosts or restless souls without families etc, will be feeding on those. Of course, fortunately to many of us, it can't be seen by naked eyes. If you pass any comments about that as you witness it, the very same ghosts will haunt you for a long long time.

So, go home early - speak nothing - see nothing ( most importantly)

Else, Happy Ghost Festival to everyone, nothing freaky with this day, it is one of any other days that makes the Chinese culture so rich. Ghost is a noun ; the outward fear of an inner weakness.

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-08-02T07:51:00.003+08:00

yeap, it is my birthday again.
mom insisted on getting a cake, I think it is more for her grandkids than for me.
steve volunteered to get the cake, I told him stick to unadventurous choice this time. No tiramisu, no soft cheese cakes, no raw ingredients in them. The answer he gave - Chocolate cake - still I said no. Well, yes, I can be a hard to pleased wife at times like this. But hey, don't blame me, it wasn't me.

I Don't Like You

2008-08-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

As I was making my way home today from work, I have decided to hate KL - at least for a long long time. The whole city of rushing and hushing, the traffic jams, the impolite bus drivers, the inefficiencies of public transport, the heat, everything just seemed to be a displeasure to me for now.

I was stuck in a 100metres traffic jam outside the college, simply because some bus drivers decided to 'park' their buses in the middle of the road to wait for passengers, had caused traffic at a standstill for 30mins - with lots of honking and yelling from the others angry drivers. Did the bus move? NO. The drivers were happily puffing ciggies and watched the whole commotion reached its peak. The bus which I boarded, decided to move, to my relief. But made another round back to the same 100metres of traffic jam to my disbelief. You can imagine the scream in my head by that time.

As I was sitting there, I wished I lived in a place with hills and rivers, with minimal need for driving or automobile transportation, no fumes and unbearable heat, no rush hours- just hills rivers, birds, cows, or maybe sheep would be good too.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2008-07-18T18:39:00.001+08:00

A song I once sang to Ryan, he is now singing along with me.

In and Out

2008-06-26T15:17:00.003+08:00

I have been in and out the doctor's office many times this month. The series of illness seems to be so hooked to me recently. The flu, the throat infections, the fever, the voice lost, the cough, the side effects of meds has given me the most envied certificates - MCs. Enviable days of relief from work, of course with a price to pay.

Worrying that I am so behind time in my work, I am going back to work tomorrow. Classes had been canceled for the longest time I can remember. In the midst of my worries that students will not be able to catch up in time for exams, someone reminded me of a fact that I chose not to think about.

Students will not appreciate all this. Management will not either.

You Can't Make me Say It

2008-06-08T15:57:00.004+08:00

For the past months, Ryan has been giving us the same answer to this question.

" Lok, do you love mommy? ' and without a second thought he says "NO... (grin)"

No matter how many times we teach him to say yes, his answer is still a NO. I have no idea what causes this, although I like to believe that he has no idea what he is saying or what I am asking. I tried to pull a long face, a sad face, a crying face .. occasionally he will smile and say Yes. And followed by a NO again.

Think of it this way, I rather he says no without knowing what he is saying, then a yes, without knowing what he is saying.

Popsicle

2008-04-27T22:23:00.005+08:00

I loved Popsicles from the school canteen. That was the most I could afford as a student. I remember they had them in a plastic tube in all sort of flavours. My all time favourite was the red bean and santan in a variation. They made it like an umbrella shape stuck to a tiny ice cream stick. And all it cost was 20sen back then. These were gone, when the school decided that junk food was no good for our health. That was the last time I had my redbean umbrella Popsicle.

The other night, I was thrilled to find my Popsicle once again - in a pasar malam . I was standing in front of this stall, waiting like a kid. My eyes didnt move away from the cooler box filled with those little umbrellas yummies. And I was worried that my favourite flavour finishes before my turn. When it was my turn, the icecream man looked at me, and i hurriedly said " 1 hung dao (red bean) please". I was a happy kid once more. I was reluctant to share it with the two boys.

What cost 20sen some 20 years ago, cost 1rm now. Talk about hike of price, and also my age.

Run Bunny Run

2008-04-14T14:42:00.003+08:00

We went away to Bukit Tinggi for the weekends. There was really nothing much to see there , not for me at least. Our first stop was the rabbit farm, which costs RM6 per entry, adult or children or anything in between. Because Auntie Umen and Uncle Spider rented the Berjaya Apartments, so we had the 2 days unlimited entry pass. Free. And so, I was hoping Ryan would get closer to the animal kingdom other than seeing it from the idiot box or the one in his books.

As we entered, we made our way to one area which spelled QUARANTINE AREA. DO NOT ENTER. But the area was an open one, without doors nor gates, nor anything for that purpose. Paranoia mommy dashed out from there almost instantly. Kids went crazy there, running and jumping. Ryan was more interested in looking at the people, rather than the rabbits. Mommy had the same reaction, as she stood there, bewildered with the sight of young children picking up the rabbits recklessly as the poor creature struggling for its freedom. While some other chased the rabbits frantically , rabbits were running in all directions , escaping. The weaker ones were hiding under the planks . My heart sank - poor rabbits.

It is good to have kids learn and interact with animals. Sure. But shouldn't the management station a trained staff to ensure the rabbits were handled properly? I am not much of an animal lover, but it does look like mistreatment to me.

Alone

2008-04-12T10:38:00.004+08:00

I went to a movie alone 2 weeks ago. Movies became a luxury since Ryan came along. It was my off day, and I decided to go to the mall alone, doing nothing was basically the agenda. Then it occurred to me that I could do a movie. Alone. Good thing about watching a movie alone is that, you don't have to worry that the other is getting bored with your choice, or more importantly, you don't have to be embarrassed if you were moved to tears.

Paris Je'taime, is definitely a movie that I enjoyed most, alone.

I was enticed by the words uttered by Oscar Wilde's spirit to a man who was about to lose his wife, because he didn't have the sense of humor to life, thus unable to make her laugh.

" if you let her go, you will die. Death of the heart, is the ugliest death of all"

A funny pickup line of a dying man from gun shot on the street to the perplexed paramedic

" Can I massage your feet? Cos you were dancing in my dreams all night long". It reminded me of a friend who is so capable in coming up with these lines.

I cried at the mourning mother over her lost child, who she could not let go, nor move on in life.
I was enlightened when an unfaithful husband wanted to divorce his wife for a another woman, only to find that his wife was dying from terminal illness. He did all the things his wife enjoyed in her dying days, he pretended he was in love with her again, only to find - he became the man in love again. He never have another woman after his wife died.
I admired at the woman who left her job and family and friends in US, to be in Paris - to practice her French, only to find that she felt alive for she found the love for herself and LIFE.

I was a happy person, nothing as good as watching a real good movie.

Roller

2008-04-12T10:24:00.005+08:00

It is funny to see the little yet significant discoveries Ryan makes every now and then. He realized that he can roll his tongue few days ago. He walks to the mirror , rolls his tongue in all directions he can, and cheers himself with infectious giggles. Mommy sits and watches and giggles along. I wished I can record it, but every time we reach for the camera, Ryan will stop doing his tricks and pretend nothing has happened.

Stevie got Ryan his first rubber soccer ball today. He was all so thrilled that he didn't care about the breakfast we were having on the table. Definitely not his usual self. He bounced it, kicked it, throw it, and even invited his inflated dog to share his new toy. He rolled under the table and chair with the ball. His eyes glowed.

Some little things that we once kept ourselves entertained too. It is refreshing to remember it now.

In My Eyes.

2008-04-03T21:56:00.004+08:00

We were waiting for Dominic in the car. Ryan got restless and moved to face me squarely. He froze for a few seconds, filled with amusement as he gazed into my eyes. He pointed at them with great pleasure and patted his chest, gesturing to say, " it's me". He looked away and back, and still find the little fella in my eyes. He smiled at his great discovery of the day.

Ryan was delighted to find himself in my eyes. Literally. I am glad that he knows that he will always be there. :)

Slumber Thoughts

2008-03-20T21:22:00.004+08:00

Most nights, as I drift into my slumber, my thoughts bring me to places that we have been to.

Yesterday was Florence. I thought of the particular moment when we had to take shelter from the drizzles, before making our way back to Leonardo Hostel. We waited along the sidewalk of restaurant which looked really cozy - Italians really know how to have a good life.

We were standing under the extended temporary roof with all its steel bars of one shop undergoing some renovations. It was a cold spring evening, and the rain was refusing to give way. Steve and I decided to ran our way back to the hostel, through the long winding alleys of brick pathways. I kept asking Steve if we are there yet, and he kept telling me, just a little more. Well, it was not that little more.

Every night, I think of one of these encounters, wishing we were there again. I could still feel the chills.

The Able Disabled

2008-03-11T14:01:00.003+08:00

When I get out from the train everyday, I have to beat the crowd of people rushing for the elevator. I could almost hear people grumbling in their heads when the only way to exit is the stairs instead. Well, nature of human, to get out the easiest way. That I can understand.

What I don't understand is why certain people will take the lift. When it is clearly stated with pictorial signage that says " for disabled only". I think sometimes I can accept exceptions to the usage of such lift - pregnant women, elderly, or even when you are carrying luggage that seems to be impossible to be dragged down the flights of stairs. Or even if someone who could not read the signs.

Today, I saw another 'disabled' person, happily clanking her high heels with her packed McDonald's lunch into the lift. Clearly she doesn't fall into one of the categories of my exceptions.

Many physically challenged person would wished they could take the stairs. Many physically able person, would rather be 'disabled'.

BoardRoom Production Line

2008-02-22T14:48:00.003+08:00

Food seems to be so tightly knitted into the lives of Malaysian. The normal meals (and abnormal tea time) aside, I noticed that we even bring food into our meeting culture. Of course, we need something to wake us up in those long dreadful pointless meetings, but heck, food seems to be part of the agenda , if not the most important one.

I was sitting in this meeting today, and in the midst of it, I noticed that everyone suddenly got all excited and started to chatter among themselves even more louder. They got distracted, not that they really pay full attention to begin with. Hands were moving, heads were turning in all directions. I do not appreciate such distraction. It is as if you sprinkled some drops of waters on some line of ants working their way upward your cabinet. Chaos.

So, first was the some cookies. Then someone else took out containers of chips. Sure, I like the spirit of food-sharing. But in a meeting? In this way???? Then came the tea lady who brought our tea with cups all filled in a pail. Left it at the side of the entrance to the boardroom. One of us had to walk all the way up to the front, and fill the cups with tea and started making a production line of -passing-the-tea- around. Someone asked for coffee, Nope, no coffee. Someone walked to the phone and called the tea lady to bring in some coffee. And the whole process repeated.

All this happened in the midst of a supposedly important meeting.

Me? As usual was sitting there, observing, being judgmental for all I want.

Chinese New Year

2008-02-13T10:10:00.001+08:00

I love festive seasons. But I realise that I enjoyed the pre-festive days rather than the day itself. Events leading up to the big day brings most anticipation and excitement. The preparations and seeing how people are putting up red lanterns and paper decor or even giving their houses a new look sets the mood so perfectly. Busy stocking up our snack bar with nga koo, yuk kon, peanuts and more peanuts. Pushing through the crowds in the hypermarket to get the best lo kam and packet drinks. Seeing people buying a lot makes me happy. Chinese New Year is coming!

I noticed there is a special kind of wind nearing Chinese New Year. Few weeks ago, I was standing at the veranda in front of my office, looking toward some big old trees in the campus, and I could few that special wind blowing to my face. Chinese New Year is coming!

And the best of all, has always been the reunion dinner, and be thankful for everyone being there.

Chinese New Year came and almost gone. We drag our feet to work, and start looking at the calendar to scan for the next big festive season , or public holiday.

I prefer pre-festive days. Maybe they are more long lasting, and there is something to look forward to.

I Hear Sounds.

2008-01-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

I have this serious mental problem recently. I keep hearing sounds . I quickly check the diagnostic manual to see if I could confirm anything. Thank good I am not seeing things that are not there, else I could be classified as schizophrenic.

I have tunes in my mind, they keep playing over and over again. And sometimes I found myself responding to that sound in my head aloud - in public! at work! in my office!

I think I could be going through PBSD - postbarneystress disorder.
That's what happens to you, when you have to listen to Barney for at least 3 hours a day, repeating the 30minutes programme for more than 5 times. The songs just got stuck in your head.

And yes, a barney tune is in my head at this moment.

"I love you, you love me, we are happy family."

To Be Or Not To Be

2008-01-04T21:42:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking whether I would make a good leader at work. And leadership doesn't look appealing at all. I was considering an offer at work, I am just not too keen on it, although the new position comes with 'perks' that I don't enjoy now, of course additional money too. Sounds tempting. But that also means, that I will be part of the management, I will have to deal with dirts in the office politics, I have to commit even more of my time to work, and it comes with lots of planning and admin work as well. I was asked to take this as an opportunity to achieve more, and as a challenge to myself.

I started to question myself - why would my instinct tell me not to take it. Am I afraid? Am I just not interested? Does my decision reflect weakness, cowardice - or my lack of ambition?

I guess my passion lies not in these things. And I simply love my time more than power and position. I simply prefer coming home to play with Ryan rather than sitting in endless meetings. I rather spend time connecting to students personally than managing people at the office. Can these be valid reasons?

Giving and Receiving

2007-12-20T10:21:00.000+08:00

I don't normally give Christmas presents, because I hate the pressure of getting the right one for the right person.

This year, I tried getting one person a Christmas gift. And I can tell you, the pressure is as real as before. I figured that giving presents is not as simple as going to the mall and getting something within my budget. It is about how much you know the person likings and taste. Pushing my way through the oceans and mountains of people just adds on to the headache. And you will always risk making the other person feel your lack of understanding of her, if you ever get the wrong gift.

The receiving person is not any easier. You don't want to disappoint the giver, because some of them, do give a lot of thought to it - but still, it may not be something you truly like or appreciate. Cake said the other day, avoid unwrapping your gift in front of the giver, because it is difficult to act all ecstatic and happy over the 10th mug you receive this year as a Christmas gift.

I may be thinking too much, but not giving you a Christmas gift, doesn't mean I don't remember you. It only means a lazy person.

Blessed Christmas to all. :)

December, 4, 2006

2007-12-04T18:50:00.000+08:00

Today was the day.

Happy 1st Birthday, sweetie.

Sunday, December, 3, 2006

2007-12-03T21:42:00.000+08:00

I was tossing and turning in bed, tired but not able to sleep.
My body felt a bit different, an unusual feeling.
My stomach was feeling extremely bloated.
Heart beating fast, many thoughts came through my mind.
I kept wondering, what if it happens today.
Or would tomorrow be the day?
I pulled the blanket over my head, and closed my eyes.
" Good nite my dear"

That was one year ago.

3 tales

2007-11-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

I was at Mid Valley this afternoon, and encountered a few incidents, which left me pondering.

I held the door for two muscular men who were struggling with huge boxes of stuff. Equality of the genders eh. ;) I felt really good about it. Not that I am much stronger, but I think this made a point about gender stereotyping.

As today must have been some door holding day for me, as I was pushing some doors open to get to the other side, I saw a man coming through it at the same time. Intending to be civilized, I waited for him to pass first. But little did I know, there was an army of people behind me - one after another. Me? Standing there holding the door. I have no problem about that, but what struck me really was, these lines of people just strolled past the door - without even making any eye contact with me , or even a nod, or even a smile to say... thank you?

If you see a fly on a piece of bread in bakery, what would you do? Pretend it was not there, and picked another one, or just make your way out? Or would you inform the people working there? I did the latter, with the all good intentions that they will remove that piece of bread, so no one will get sick for eating that. I went on to whom i presumed as the person in charged there, told him my discovery - and even specifically pointed to him. And what did he do? He just made the fly go away. The germ filled chicken floss bread was still sitting there.

What's going on here??????

House

2007-11-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

I was in town today - so I thought I would meet up with dad for lunch and then a ride home together. I told dad that I would come over to BB (where he was at) so that he need not come all the way to get me, just to avoid the insane jam in that area.

I was to meet him at our old house in Jalan Beremi, which I had lived for a good 10 years of my life. Dad still retain that house, and sub-rent it to others, while he keeps a room for himself to do his work. As I walked into the house through its gated porch, I felt the house had shrunk so much, everything seems to be so much smaller. I waited for dad to pack up, I was standing there, glancing through our then living hall, into our inner courtyard (yes, we had that) which mom decided to cover it up anyway. The house was evidently ill-treated by its tenants, it was all dark and rugged looking by now. As I looked, I tried to recall the exact settings of stuff we had in there. We had a long bench with drawers pushed to the wall - where I sat most of the time for my meals next to mom. Next to the bench was our fridge, where my brother and I have secretly invaded for chocolates. Can't blame us, we only get chocolates on rainy days. And by the side of it, is a tall table for our drinks and cups, where my brother and I had scooped up spoons of milo and munch it just like that.

Our house was so central - that people just keep popping by for various reasons. Friends was tired shopping around and needed a rest, they come to my house. ( we didn't have the concept of teatime , or rather no money for that). Cousin who had to answer nature's call and needed a homely feel in order to do that, he came to our house. Friends who had to meet up somewhere before they go on with their plans, they came to our house. Friends who were going for a camping trip, and forgot their utensils - they came to our house. Friends who needed to go to tuition classes nearby, and was way to early - they came to our house. So, yes, we were like 7-11, minus the 24 hours operations.

I missed that house so much in deed, because a big part of my life was there. I remember as a kid, I would pushed my chair to the front door, overlooking the playground and badminton court opposite which is guarded by really big old trees. I liked to look at that tree especially when it was raining. Today, I saw the trees were all chopped down, to make way for some expensive looking Arabian garden with expensive carpet grass. Above all, school was only like 5 -10 minutes walk from home, I could wake up at 715 am, and still make it to school by 730am.

Rainy day was especially worrisome for us then, because the house was really old with bad pipping - water will be gushing down from the 4th floor upstairs, making a small water fall in the dining area, and thereafter flood in the house. Many times, I had to fight with nature.

My neighbour was a huge family with lots of children. Today, I saw a quiet and gloomy house next door. Their father passed away, children moved out.

I miss that house so much, with so much memories of good and bad. Of the countless fights I had with my brother, not forgetting countless experiences with the wrath of my mom. Here, -we had invited many guests for our grandaunt 70th birthday, and also seen many of the same person for her funeral few years later. It was in the same house, my brother claimed he encountered the spirit of my grandaunt, giving all of us a fright, so bad that we had to move out temporary.

We are expecting that it will be torn down one day, because of its location in the golden triangle. Can't hold on too much onto our past can we?

Faces of the Past In A Book

2007-11-11T22:14:00.000+08:00

There has been this facebook bug going around, and yes, one bug broke into our home recently. Both Stevie and I are pointing fingers accusing one another to be a FB addict . What I initially thought as lame and infantile, has turned out to be rather impressive. It caught my attention, when Stevie exclaimed that he found his long lost classmate , and not one of them, but loads of them. FB has this amazing power to connect one person to another. And it explained the power of networking in its fullest sense.

Well, it would be nice to see these people again, after ..what.. 17 years? And what do you know, it is nice to see some of them again, virtually of course. I sent them short messages, and browsed through their photo albums. It is really heartwarming to see how your childhood friends have grown up to be who they are now, a wife, a woman, or happy as they are now. It is like catching up with all those lost time, and whatever I missed out in their lives. Of course, some, I really didn't talk much to them in person back in school. But still, we are friends in FB now, and I feel delighted for that.

I wished more of my friends could be found through facebook, but then again, not everyone sits in front of the PC everyday day like we do.

Lessons In School

2007-11-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

Teachers leave their marks in our lives, for the better or worst. I don't have high regards to most of my teachers, because I think, teaching is merely a job to them, a lousy job for some even. Or at least, that was how they made me feel. I said, 'most', of course there are one or two worth remembering and mentioning.

My English Literature teacher (whose name I chose not to remember), killed my courage to take English literature. I can quote her words (more or less) in her first class " this is not something easy if you don't put effort in this, you are digging your own grave, and I am not attending it" So much of encouragement or positive strokes from a teacher huh. Knowing how weak my English was, I opted out and enrolled in Malay Literature instead, which, I am proud to say, I did extremely well. Do I have to thank her for pointing me to the better path? Or I could have been some great writer instead.

One of my Psychology professor in university, Dr Shuaib, taught me that teaching could be more than reading word per word from their notes and get it transferred to our notepad. I was inspired by his passion in his work in the community and how his world view has put a new perspective in my own. I learned - work is about passion. My Ethics and Legal professor, taught me - how much I should be believing in myself, which has brought me to where I am today, in my work and career. I learned from him, that sometimes it takes another person to believe in us and see the goodness in us. I learn to see potential, rather than weaknesses in others.

2 Hours of Pampering

2007-10-31T21:32:00.000+08:00

For once and a very short duration, I had a glimpse into the world of the tai-tai, who need not go to work, and have people ready to give them service at their finger tips. Owing this to the generosity of Joey.

Being totally new to this, I was a bit unsure what I should do. Rose, my attendant greeted me - she has this sweet polite courteous face all over her, and I thought it would be a good day ahead. To make the long story short,it all stated with her having this really rough scrub which smelled orangie yummie all over my body. And she scrubbed real hard too, I thought this is really value for money, for the amount of energy I am getting out of her. After getting rid every inch of my dead skin, she brought me into this room, with a tub filled with warm water and petals of roses and orange peels, along side with small little tea candles lit up. I was supposed to soak in that tub while looking at the artificial beach scenery in front of me. She left the room ( to my relief) but came back in a very short period of time with tea, fruit salads, and some pasta . It was so dark in there, I could only guess what they were by the taste of it. And there in the tub, I was supposed to have that -dine-in-tub experience. So, this is how the rich people enjoy their bath? But me being me, I killed that classy feeling by wondering, what if I missed the spoon of pasta, and it dropped into the tub. Do I , deliberately try to find it in that big tub, or just pretend nothing has happened and continued soaking in the aromatherapy + pasta bath?

I wasn't sure how long I should be in that tub, and I could not track time as there was no clock in there. And I felt Rose has left for the longest time. I decided to jump out of the tub, when I feel my skin was all wrinkled in the water. It turned out to be, I was only in there for 15 mins, 5 minutes too early. Like I was supposed to know all this at birth? Rose should have told me.

It was then followed by some slimming treatment, where I was hooked to this machine which electrocuted me for the next 30mins. I deceived myself to have a better silhouettes after that.

The best at last, it ended with a Swedish massage with detoxifying oil. That was pretty good, although I wished the masseur could have just leave me alone without making small talks. I was there for relaxation, not to make friends, isn't it?

All in all, it is weird to have someone scrub your back and see you going into the tub. It is weird to have orange peels in your bath water, one may wonder if she was supposed to eat it too.

So, this is what they call SPA. I am a graduate now.

Up to Now at 10.

2007-10-16T22:20:00.000+08:00

You amused yourself looking in the mirror, rewarding the person you see in the mirror with one big smile.
You have two front teeth at the bottom.
You have just learned to clap your hands.
You seemed to have an eye and preference to good looking people, women especially.
Your first words were deh deh and bah bah subsequently.
You hated hair washing.
You want to play all day and all night.
You want to be rocked to sleep, with special selection of songs.
You prefer mommy to do the rocking, mommy has to thank you for the muscles developed in her arms.
You roll all over the bed in your sleep.
You like to rest your legs up on pillow or bah bah's face in your sleep.
You were first pacified with Over the Rainbow at 3 months old, now your favorite medley includes - Close to You, Wish you a Merry Christmas, and mommy's self written songs.
You started crawling now.
You can walk a few steps unsupported, and looked as if you prefer to run than walk.
You scream really loudly whenever excited.
You get bored when no one is playing with you.
You like Mimi (the dog) next door. But Pupu ( also the dog next door) bullies you.
You cry whenever we say " You are so naughty, how?????? " in Chinese.
You are afraid of mommy's killer stare ( most of the time).
You can blow kiss.. with the sound of 'muahh'
You like to play under the blanket.
You like Elmo and Teddy.
You have never wanted the pacifier , but you bite on anything you can find, that includes the table.

The Survival

2007-10-04T18:53:00.000+08:00

We are back, and yes, we survived.
Both big, medium and small, all returned in one fine piece.

It turned out to be, travelling with a baby isn't that bad as I imagined. Although the first day we touched down, due to exhaustion - I REGRETTED for the idea of having Ryan with us, or even making this trip in the first place. Sydney was unbelievably sunny that day, I was a bit under the weather, Ryan didn't get much sleep during the night flight, and Stevie was just so adamant in believing and looking for the freaking ferry ride (which is no longer in existence) under the equally adamant blinding sunlight. I was all prepared to take the next flight home when I saw Ryan so uncomfortably and unsettled in the hostel room. But all turned out to be just fine after a good night rest and good poo the next day for him. Of course, Stevie did a marvelous job pacifying him while I was sulking and whining about my illness there.

Ryan seemed to be an adaptable baby - he enjoyed the cold weather and I think he was thrilled looking at people who are so different from what he has seen back home. He was already checking out babes in bikinis at the Manly Beach. As sociable as he is, he would be squinting his eyes and make funny faces just to attract people on the street, thus making us feel so welcomed everywhere we go. And yes, he is a one women-magnet.

We are back.
I am back, partially.
I took something extra home. And left something there.....

The Short Sighted.

2007-09-23T10:24:00.000+08:00

Stories that find their ways to the dailies headlines have become more gruesome one day to another. Whether the media have been dramatizing and over reporting the news, that is a separate matter. We cannot deny that crimes have become more a common sight and sound, as compared to many years ago. We know the story. We all speculate the causes. We push the red button to warn everyone of the possible dangers embedded in our society.

It impresses me - how fast our society and 'upper people' respond to the matter, every time we hear another chilling murder,abuse, street crimes alike, that took place. Everyone shouted at the downfall of moral values, the hike of stress level in our people, how we need to restructure law enforcement divisions, how parents need to keep an extra eye to their kids, how we need to knit our moral fabric in our society again. But after awhile, all the big hoo- hah will fall silent again. Until another stories takes place. The whole cycle repeats itself. But other than that, nothing actually change.

They all say, that every incidents serve as a reminder for us, about the safety and responsibility we hold in the society to ensure a better safer community. I wonder, do we really have to have unfortunate events to serve as a reminder, which even so, doesn't really gives a long lasting effect after all.

We are indeed, a reactive society.
Have we fall short, so short of foresight?

I Have A Dream

2007-09-18T18:40:00.000+08:00

We all dream. I have friends or people I just met for like 3 minutes, upon knowing what I study, wanting to know what dreams are about. Dreams appears to hold some mysterious insight to our unconscious desire, or are they predictive of our future?? There are many theories about dreams , explaining what they are or what they are not. Some are bizarre while others offers a less convincing explanation.

We all dream of falling, barefooted, crying, old house, people in our present and in our past, and some claims future, some pleasant, some scary.

I once dreamt of a chicken coming out from my mother's stomach.
And another time, my brother has turned into a Dracula.

Have you notice that there are some dreams that keep coming back to you for years? I have this weird dream every time I am about to fall sick. No storyline to it, just flashes of a few items, and a small voice that speaks to me. There will be a neon light, then a white old Benz, and then an ascending escalator. Then I will find myself standing at a corner in a wooden box, with increasing small tiny dots rushing towards me. It is at this time, a small voice says to me " it is ok... it is ok....". And voila, I will be sick the next day. I guess you might conclude that it is predictive in this context.

Sometimes I dream of lashing out at students. Something that I would not do in my full consciousness. Could dream be a symbol of my unconscious desire? That it is only safe for me to express them in my dreams, rather than in reality?

I dream of a deceased friend every now and then. The last time I dreamed her, was a month ago ( that was the 7th month of the lunar calendar, just to add some spook here). In my dream, she would say to me that we haven't met for a very long time. I would be aware that she has passed away in my dreams. She used to be a close friend, but due to some misunderstanding, one after another, we drew apart. Standing at her funeral, I felt a sense of regret, it was so deep, perhaps it keeps haunting me in my dream. Could dream helping me to deal with my unfinished business, and strong emotions? Or the deceased is just trying to communicate?

Don't bother to interpret my dreams here.Especially in the Freudian way.

Science often offer logical, but non-exciting explanation.
Paranormal beliefs offers illogical, but exciting explanation.

But this particular dream, makes me think of her every now and then.

Lil Monkeys

2007-09-18T01:39:00.000+08:00

Another attempt of entertaining Ryan. He has a huge appetite for fresh entertainment everyday.

One lil monkey lying on the floor
Two lil monkeys climbing up the wall
Three lil monkeys swinging on the door
And mama monkey says.. All you lil monkeys go and kick a ball.

The Great Adventure

2007-09-11T18:14:00.000+08:00

After much contemplation and intra-and inter debates and discussion, we gathered pieces of courage, however small they are for this. I am not sure what will turn out of it, but I am prepared for the worst to happen. Being an already anxious freak mom, my anxiety has peaked past the borderline level. I think I could be diagnosed as an anxiety disorder, any time now.

We will be setting out for Australia end of the month. Yes - we being all 3 of us. The key and most central person in this trip is not me, nor stevie. Is our big guy Ryan. So, any of you who have experience bringing an active kid of 10months old on night flight and to a strange land, or even heard stories from so and so and so and so, do enlighten me how to make this easier for Ryan (and his mom and dad). If you haven't got any of these to share, PRAY for us.

As I am running down the list of things-to-bring, I realise that I am packing almost everything that belongs to Ryan. Except for his crib and bath tub. *GASP*

So, either you see a happier and cheerful me after the trip, or a completely run-down-nerve-wrecked psychopath when we are back.

Big Blue Sky

2007-09-02T10:24:00.001+08:00

We were on our way to visit a friend at his new place - it was a long journey with couple of times missing the right junction. The sky was especially clear and blue that late afternoon. As we both looked up through the car window - a rhyme just fell from the big blue sky, and ryan was please with it.

Big Blue Sky
Up so high;
Big Blue Sky
Just like my eyes;
Big Blue Sky
O! I want to fly;
Big Blue Sky
It's time to say good-bye.

The Superior Group

2007-08-12T18:48:00.000+08:00

One of the kid presented on GLBT, which drew huge attention from the class. He did a marvelous job, and his info was an eye-opening. He spoke with deep passion and conviction. Others were throwing him challenges after he ended his much-exceeded-time presentation. I allowed him to continue although his time was up, because I felt the rest needed to know about this and think for themselves.

From the faces of some, I could see their disbelief when the presenter stood firm on his belief that he could accept homosexuality, and even his sister is a lesbian, he has no intention to make her 'change'.

After class, one girl came up to me hoping I could say something that confirms her values. She opposes homosexuality. After a few minutes talking to her, I asked her if she is a Christian. She nodded. And I said to her, do you think God loves homosexuals? She was shocked by my question. And she replied " God loves everyone" . "but.." she continues, God also forbids homosexuals, as it is stated in the Bible. There was never meant to homosexual, since God created only Adam and Eve. Homosexuality is a sin.

I asked, " we all sin. Lying, lust, ill thoughts. These are sins. What makes these sins lighter than being a homosexual-?"
She said, there is no measurement. Sins are sins. But at least we try to get better. We try to change"

I asked again" do you think God loves homosexuals? If one day, if a gay comes to church - do you think GOD will ask him to leave ?"

I am not sure where I was going to, but I have deep conviction that we should not judge others. For the ultimate judge is GOD himself. I am not sure what I said made me a 'lesser' Christian to some. But what makes us, heterosexual more superior than the minority?

We see people who are different from us as possible danger. Because being different is unpredictable and we get anxious over the unpredictable.

I myself have been struggling with this issue. It is always easier to be standing from a distance and say all the right things.

Separation Anxiety

2007-07-29T19:33:00.000+08:00

Ryan develops some ‘stickiness’ to me, whenever I am out of his sight ( that’s if he is not watching the t.v commercial, or to preoccupied with biting the table etc), he would make a fuss and shed a few tears. The pro calls this the separation anxiety, and it is a stage every baby will go through. Ryan wants to be comforted and reassured that I will be there. I quite like it, it makes me feel I am an important person to him, and I am wanted.

Today, I had my own share of separation anxiety. It is not the first time Stevie leaves for work in other place, weird to feel the separation so much stronger. And I have been moody all day long. I guess I can understand what Ryan has been feeling. And poor guy, he has to put up with this everyday!

Can We ALL be OK?

2007-07-15T19:34:00.000+08:00

I did one of the weirdest thing today. I was staring at pictures of the wanted persons by RMP today. I noticed my heartbeat raced as I scrutinize each of these faces and especially when I read on the crimes they committed. And then, I was looking at pictures of the missing persons, and I wondered what happened to them, and how their loved ones must be thinking of the same questions even more than I.

Friends who know that I like reading crimes stories a lot find me a bit off balance. Likewise, they have also thought the same of me, when I told them I would like to go on a ghost-tour once. No, I am perfectly mentally healthy. So why was I reading on wanted persons? The intensity and rate of crime is saddening. I was trying to see, if criminals shares some similar physical profile. I like to think whether, are criminals born, made or a choice they have made.In a class discussion, all gave their rational point of view, not many said it with great passion and conviction.

I always tell my students, that we need to believe in goodness of mankind, regardless what they have done. We all need that unconditional positive regard, to be able to strive towards becoming a better person. I remember one year, a student shook his head almost uncontrollably when I said that. Some nodded in agreement yet many thought it may not always be possible.

Wouldn't the world be a better place, if we all have empathy, respect, and valuing one another. Is that possible, or is that utopia.

The Perfect Morning

2007-07-08T11:35:00.000+08:00

I like my morning to be started up really slowly, that is why I never like morning classes as early as 8am, because that would mean that I will be dashing out from the house and skipping all my morning rituals.

I like to hear the sound of my water kettle as it boils for my morning coffee. The smell of coffee powder as I carefully brew my perfect cup of coffee. The smell of toast and the 'ding' of the oven.The fresh smell of my clean mopped floor.

On days when I don't have to go to work, I could sit by the window, overlooking the almost busy street - children tagging their mothers with baskets all set for the morning market, food vendors setting up their stall and how their eyes spring in delight as people stop by to get their breakfast, women chatting along so loudly - I could hear their conversations from my door step, Granddad taking their grandkids for morning walk. Occasionally, Stevie will be seated at the porch with Ryan - and all 3 of us would be staring out to the same street, each looking at different things. And we enjoy each other's presence in total silence.

Thank God It Is Friday?

2007-06-30T09:33:00.000+08:00

In one of the many conversations we had at work last Friday, we were surprised that there was no excitement on this much awaited day of the week. And I thought that -

Monday is never good, because our biological clock is still stuck in the weekend routine.
Tuesday, is never good, because weekend is still so far away.
Wednesday is never good, because we realize that we are only half way through the week.
Thursday is not good, because by this day, we are all exhausted from the past 3 days of work
Friday is not exciting, because it indicates that Monday is coming again, thus the whole cycle of it.
Saturday is not good, because you know you will be feeling awful tomorrow.
Sunday is depressing, because tomorrow is Monday.

and everyone agreed no day is a good day.
hahaha, yes, we are all burned out.

Mirror Mirror on The Wall, Who Is The Luckiest Of All?

2007-06-27T19:05:00.000+08:00

Who is the lucky one?

The one who owns a car and house, she has more bills.
She gets her independence and mobility;

The one who has no car nor house, she moves about in public transport.
She gets her financial freedom.

The one who has so much workload on her shoulder, hardly time to rest and eat;
or
The one who has lesser to do and boredom could be eating her.

The one who is single and could celebrate her individuality;
or
The one who is married and life is about others

Will There Be A Day?

2007-06-26T18:28:00.000+08:00

Will there be a day,

I do not have to worry about incomplete work tasks and house chores;
I will not feel tired and get all mentally and emotionally exhausted;
I can just keep quiet and not talk at all;
I do have to think so much;
I do not have to worry about thunderstorm;
I do not have to be rushing from one place to another place;
I do not have to be rushing home from work;
I do not have to put up with annoying characters;
I can just lie down and do nothing.

I guess, I might as well be dead, if ever this day arrive. As long as the sun comes up, as long as there is life in me, this day will never come.

In A World of Just Stars, Colors and Sounds.

2007-06-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

"Not too long ago, in a not too far away planet, there lived 3 persons, Biggie, Meddy, and Tiny. They varied in size. Biggie - is tall and big, almost giant like for Tiny. Meddy- is fair and ordinary. Tiny - has a big head, but his body is short, so are his little legs and hands. He has very little hair even.

They live in this planet which is so small- that it could only fit 3 persons in it. Even so, they could barely move around in it. In this planet, they do not have to go to school, work, do house chores, eat or sleep.They never grew tired, and doesn't have to travel from where they are, because there isn't any need to do so.

All they do every day, is lying on a big pillow of green grass, and stare above the blanket of stars in the sky. They would be making funny sound as they watch the stars in many colors and shapes.The sky is so bright, it never grew dark.

Biggie and Meddy would make funny sounds - "ooooo....ooooo... wheet wheet.... Tiny would be kicking his legs in excitement. As the sounds and excitement goes on, the stars will be blinking even more prettily. This what they do.

Sometimes the sky may tumble and fall onto them. Then Biggie and The Meddy one will be stretching their hands up to hold it in place, so that ,Tiny can look and be amused. As Biggie and Meddy, look and feel glad with that. Their world is that simple and happy. "

So You Think My Life Is Good?

2007-06-14T20:07:00.000+08:00

We pulled over on a small little hill at the car park - overlooking the college soccer field with the canteen at the back. I can see the students in a line like tiny little ants moving up and down the canteen sidewalk. The open space of the field is comforting. Cake suddenly uttered " You have a good life". I looked at her, and was trying to make sense of what she has just said. She said, since Stevie takes me to work all the way from home, and when I do get home, Ryan is there waiting for me. I told her, it is a matter of perspective... and that is really subjective as to what is a good life.

I didn't say much, I was enjoying the sight, the cool air and Michael Buble on the radio. I was thinking, yeah, I think I am blessed in many ways, and I am thankful for what God has given me, and I am not complaining. But I am also having a good life because of Cake. She is one of those colleagues which makes a dreadful monday morning more bearable, and makes me feel so fortunate during rainy days when she will take the trouble to phone me up and insist to take me to the lrt station. She would end my misery of canteen food (or no food) by taking me to lunch outside the campus. She is the one who volunteered to do lecture notes for me when I nearly broke down from the stress I had few semester back. She is the one, who always gave assurance of my hypersensitivity to my weight. So, yes, Cake, I do have a good life, for that, among many other things. :) Thank You.

Frienship Never Ends - Part 2

2007-06-11T18:09:00.000+08:00

Today, I was chatting with a friend, and I was saddened by the news that she will be going away soon. Her new place is few hours drive from KL. Not too far, but still, the thought that she is not a phone call away - makes me feel I am missing her already. And I am already contemplating with the plan to visit her (with Ryan even) at her new place. Funny isn't it. She has to go out of KL, for me to have the motivation to catch up with her, when I could have done that all these times when she is still in KL. I think the last time that I intentionally asked her out for a meal, was before my wedding, and that was almost 3 years ago. Other than that, we let fate do us a favour, we meet in common friends weddings etc.

She said something today that I thought worth thinking about
" You should know that it's harder to make friends when you are older, yes, knowing more people is easier, but having them as friends is harder".

We only realise what we are missing out, when they are not near us. And that is bad.

What Is In The Food?

2007-06-07T17:43:00.000+08:00

I was once told, that food that was cooked with love, is the most delicious food in the world. My mom cooks dinner at my place while looking after Ryan. She would then bring them home to have it with my brother and wife (and kids). She also have this habit of leaving a small portion of the dinner she cooks for me. Although I have repeatedly told her that I will not be able to finish so much food, she insisted. I give in, for I thought - it would be disheartening to reject it. Everyday, I get to sample the dinner she cooks. Although I have been eating them all my life so far. I am not sure what my mom was thinking when she was cooking, but as I taste them - they taste so good, and my heart is soothed by it - eventhough it is just a simple egg omelet.

Smile At Me.

2007-06-06T16:33:00.000+08:00

I was on my way for breakfast, I bumped into a former student. I remember him. I made an eye contact, but he took a very quick glance at me, and turned away instantly. . I could understand and was not offended. The next few days, I saw him again - I did the same, so did he.

Until one day, he looked and gave me a short rigid smile. I smiled back. I was glad.

He was one of those attentive students, who paid great attention in class, attended lecture, doesn't give you much problem. I liked him. But he did one thing that changed his life in college. That semester, I was contacted by the exam department to go over and verify a note that was brought into the exam venue by a student. If I confirm it is related to the paper I was teaching, the student will be put into disciplinary action. I confirmed its relevance. I was curious who it was. I could not believe my ears when the officer uttered his name.

He was expelled from college, in his final year in the college. All those years wasted.

Of course, I don't condone cheating. I tell my students, to take great courage to face failure. It is better to fail then to lose your dignity to cheating.

I smiled at him that morning on my way to breakfast, I wanted him to know, I hope he has learned. I want him to know, he can still be good. I want him to know, I don't look down on him. I want him to know, he can look at me and smile too. Just like before.

Moving

2007-06-01T17:47:00.000+08:00

Ryan made his first move today on the walker. As watched him in his great achievement, I could not contain my excitement. :) Me and mom was cheering him on, he could only do a reverse gear - so it was backward all the way. No first gear yet. He looked clueless though.

It is amazing how babies learn so fast - all he could do on the walker yesterday was licking its side and stare at the floor. When I put him on today, I was waiting for him to savor his yummie walker again, but he surprised me with a light tap on the floor with his feet. And zzoom.. all the way to the back.

All that I can say is, well done my boy! and I am glad I am home today, and sorry bahbah for missing this moment. You can watch the video recording.... ;)

What's Going On?

2007-05-30T18:28:00.000+08:00

A question that kept ringing in my ear today, as I become the observer.
What Is Going On?

The rich are getting richer
The poor are getting poorer;
The young strong ones are sitting
The old weak ones are standing;
The lazy are getting promoted
The hardworking are getting unmotivated;
The ill-hearted are becoming more powerful
The good-hearted are becoming more powerless;
The darkness gives a triumphant shout
The soldier of light takes all the insult;
The genius are stuck
The foolish are being suck up to.

All, is just an interim phase
I want to believe - and in justice.

Relapse

2007-05-30T09:14:00.000+08:00

I was so proud of myself when I was able to kick my coffee addiction few months back. And I was careful not to end up in the addiction again. Yea, I am those who can go not only sleepy, but unmotivated with headache the entire day if I missed my morning coffee.

I could go without breakfast and lunch, as long as I have my coffee with me. And I could not go to lecture without it, else I would be at lost of words. That was the past.

What do you know, as I started with coffee again, I think the addiction is back. One of my former student came back to visit me yesterday, and she got me coffee!!! Talk about supportive environment. Bad habits are just so hard to kick. And 'sinful' food is always the best.

Friendship Never Ends?

2007-05-24T16:33:00.000+08:00

I must say - I am such a lazy person when it comes to meeting up with friends. And it takes forever to get things organized - to meet every one's buzy schedule. And when there are meeting ups - I would rather not go, if they are not those whom I am really close to. I really drag those social exchanges of " so, what are you doing now". I once told Mock, if we ever end up old and lonely, we deserve it. Mock is just as lazy as I am.

But as years go by, I noticed that my circle of friends is getting smaller. Some friends who I thought they will attend my children's wedding one day, didn't even make it to the list of my own wedding guests. Friends I have now, I can even count them with my ten fingers. But these are the precious ones. And No. we still don't meet up very often. I haven't seen Mock for almost 3years. While some, thanks to IM - I keep in touch without meeting them in person.

We have friends who we don’t talk to everyday, we don’t call everyday, we don’t see everyday,we don’t dine with everyday,we don’t stroll down the street everyday, but… we think of them everyday (almost) … and when we do meet – it feels like we have done all these everyday. Now, isn't that wonderful.

Surviving Board ( or Bored) Meetings.

2007-05-20T12:09:00.000+08:00

Have you ever sat in a meeting that seems to be going on forever and you have no idea where it is going to. I always end up in jobs that comes with hours and hours of endless meetings. Either it is just plain bad luck, or it is some leadership style that I will never understand.

I sat in one meeting last week - which started at 9am and end at 2.30pm. Out of these 5.5 hours - 1 hour was for lunch break, 1 hour was for addressing the actual purpose of the meeting, 3.5. hours - was for all the yah-da, yah-dah, and more yah dah). What is there to yah-dah for 3.5.hours? Lots.. distasteful comments and jokes, sexist remarks and non-scary threatening instructions and order. I tried distracting myself by exercising the very little artistic skills I have on sheets of papers. I sat there, trying to be really nice, I broke all eye contact with the chairman. Even when he was asking me questions (not work related) I just brushed it away with a head shake.

I felt like standing up, taking off my shoes and throw it to the front, and scream.

To any meeting chairperson out there.. here is a meeting guide for idiots.
1. Keep to the agenda
2. Be straight forward
3. No jokes are necessary
4. Be punctual to start and most importantly to end the meeting.
5. Do read other's nonverbal when they signal you they can take no more.
6. Keep to the agenda (only)

I was almost brain dead by the time the meeting ended.

Catch Up With Me

2007-05-18T15:51:00.000+08:00

I cannot keep track of those whom I have not send Ryan pics.

Some have seen him at certain time, missing out earlier or the later moments.

Some wanted to come and visit him , but yet to find the right time.

Some wanted to come and visit him, but staying too far away from our place (only applicable to oversea friends :P)

Some stay so near, but still have not made it. ( ahem**)

Whatever the reason is, here is a collection of Ryan's pics, from birth till now.

(click on individual photos in display if you want to read the photo descriptions ;))

I Need to Get Rid Of Them!

2007-05-17T21:32:00.000+08:00

They are intruding my privacy. Someone got to tell me how to get rid of them.
Every single moment, I feel being watched and observed. They had it all planned out.. a devilish plan indeed.

I am complaining to Stevie almost everyday. We just got to do something. These creepy crawlies are all over the house. They had a plan to make me jump out of skin at every given opportunity. Stevie defended them by convincing me that lizards feed on ants and mosquitoes. NOT!!! You should see how the ants are building a colony in our home. and how the mosquitoes are always on ecstasy shots, always so high. Those are another annoying crawlers I need to wipe out. I hate having to clean their poo on the floor and the stain the make on the walls. I hate seeing how they dangle on ceiling, as if they will fall on my head anytime.

I have tried putting empty eggshells - it does not work.
I have tried putting artificial lizards (a much bigger ones) to scare them away - it does not work.
I have tried mothballs - it does not work.

We were doing laundry the other night, this baby lizard nearly had me screamed out. Stevie asked if I want it killed (by stepping it to death), I was tempted at the malicious plan. But as I was glaring at it, it suddenly appear to me as some helpless pitiful, struggling to survive creature. So, I just brushed that idea away - poor baby - that when emotions take over rational thinking. Still, I don't want to kill them, I just want them to go away.

Reminded me of people in our lives who are really a pain. We don't want to harm them, yet we really wish they would just disappear.

Hey, any idea getting rid of these crawlies? (no.. not the human kind..yet)

Whistling Wolf?

2007-05-14T17:59:00.000+08:00

I traveled to work today by LRT. Although it was past 9.30am, the train was still packed. Don't even think about getting a seat. And so, I settled myself in a standing spot. Right in front of me, was a very young couple who could not keep their hands off one another. Such an eye sore. (am i aging already????!!!) Right behind me, were friends of this couple, and they have been yelling to one another, with me in between, as if I was the invisible woman.

They were on this topic of where to head to. And the repetitive question of "where shall we go" or Kita pergi mana ni??? was making my head spin. At one point, the girl (who was hugging and cuddling with her boyfriend) turned to one of the male commuter and asked him " You nak pergi ke mana?" (where are you going). And that poor guy just smiled. That was not the end.. she continued saying.." eh.. comelnya senyum dia" .I was dumbfounded. And then .. begins a series of flirting and teasing. From the girls. !!!

Girl 1 : Pergi Mana Ni?

Girl 2 : kita ikut saje la abang ni.

Girl 1 : Abang ni nak pergi office la.

Girl 2 : (to the male commuter) Office abang kat mana?

Male Commuter : Setiawangsa.(smilling)

Girl 2 : Boleh kita ikut..? comel la.. u. Nama apa? Abu ya????

( ebbs just shut her ears)

The girls dropped off at Ampang Park station. The male commuter then sat right across me. From the corner of my eye (when I was pretending to be reading my book), I saw him smiling to himself. I guess the girls have just made his day.

Talk about how the world has changed.

Shame On You

2007-05-14T14:42:00.000+08:00

I have a friend - who has been away from work for some time due to health reasons. No one actually talk about her openly, there seemed to be some coded conversation among friends, I was finally accepted into the secret keeper ring.

She has been battling for her life since months ago - away from family and work. Few days ago, I got to know that she has decided to resign, not on her own will, entirely. All because the person who was supposed to protect her rights and fight for her, decided to sit on the case, giving just lips services and empty promises. Her annual leave has been utilized, her unpaid leave has exceeded the days eligible, her waiting has come to an end. The management was upset that she is unable to produce a document to proof her diagnosis, they way they wanted it. She was probably too weak to get those done, and need someone to do the explanation on her behalf. She waited, and waited. In vain.

And thus, she was being asked to write in to state her 'decision'. So decided to put an end to all this drama and waiting. I was upset. I checked labour law, I checked with HR specialist, I want to confront the management. I want to shout. But she told us, calm down and don't over react. Over reacting??????

She was worried all this while, despite her illness, she has been constantly thinking about her leave and her job.
You don't make an ill person worried unnecessarily.

She told us that she was not able to differentiate tears from the drops of water in the shower, as she cried for leaving her job and her passion.
You don't make a sick person cry.

Shame on you, the one who is sitting high up there. You have no idea the damage you are doing to another life. You can make a difference yet you remain indifferent. You shall never gain my respect.
Shame on you, the bureaucratic policy maker and follower - for rigidness manufactured by inhumane mind.
Shame on you!

Take Me For A Ride.

2007-05-11T10:12:00.000+08:00

I like car rides. No, I don't like to drive, I like being a passenger. There is something about the motion of a moving car that is so captivating and calming, especially at night. (minus the traffic jams and having to reach a destination the amazing-race-style). I used to fall asleep once I climb into a car. But I have dropped that habit.

Stevie and I used to drive around town area on Saturday nights - we would drive along Jalan Pinang and its surrounding where all the clubs crawlers comes out for a fashion parade. We would be so entertained by just looking at their sense of fashion (or the lack of it) and have a good laugh over it. Yea, we are phlegmatic, we like to observe :) . Another spot that I enjoy in a car ride would be housing area. Houses and bungalows of the rich never fails to amuse me. Some are really nicely done up, and we would choose our favourite. I like looking at old houses, especially those that has a colonial touch to it.

There is one thing that I look beyond architectures and design when I see these houses. I like to look inside the houses through their glass windows and door, and sometimes, if I am lucky enough, I can see right through their living hall when their gate is wide open.

Each of them, gives me a different feeling and my mind would be drifted in fantasizing the lives of those people living in it.

Some, family members (i assumed) are centered around the tv set - warm feeling.

Some, even their front porch and living hall is stacked up with boxes and stuff - messy but still, very family like. I can imagine they have a big family, yet lack of organizational skill.

There is this house near my neighbourhood, which I always see an old man sitting at of a somewhat work desk - eating a packed dinner. I feel the loneliness.

Some are plain eerie - the whole living hall is empty, but right at the middle of it, you can see some praying alter thing, with candles lit up. I will not say more - of what I thought of, not for the weak-hearted readers here.

Some are nice and cozy - dimmed and soft lights.I thought of young loving couple who always cuddle up on the sofa every evening.

I wonder if someone else is doing the same - and I wonder what feeling do they get, when they peer through the windows of our house. I sure hope it is a nice feeling.

Do Something!!

2007-05-09T14:16:00.000+08:00

Stevie and I don't celebrate Valentine's day, we seldom buy gifts for Christmas too. All because we feel that these days are rather commercialized. And love should be shown every other day. (okay, we are just plain lazy people). But think about it again, wouldn't you agree that the merchants and business people are taking advantage of it on a full swing scale.

This month and next, comes a crucial day,however. Mother's Day and Father's Day. You will not miss it, because the tv and radio commercials are running almost 24-7 reminders that your mom needs an massage chair and you should get one for her to be a filial child. Who would dare to say that " i don't do Mother's and Father's Day because it is too commercialized", unless you dare to take the risk of a broken hearted face, or worst, they will send you on a guilt-trip until next year's Mother's and Father's Day. Although I still believe that we should honor our parents more than just this one day, WE must do something for them.

Someone once told me - you can skip their birthdays (do it at your own risk, though), but you should never ignore Mother's Day and Father's Day. Because it is so universal that the whole world will be asking them about what their children do for them on those special days. And you don't want them to have no answers to give.

I remembered apart from the many meals we bought mother, the most memorable gift ( to me) that I gave her was a bouquet of pink carnations I got from BB plaza after Sunday School once,Her face was beaming, that I could only see two fine lines of her eyes. Yea, I was sweeter then.

Commercialized or not, big or small, simple or extravagant let's do something, I am sure they are more than worthy for this. This one, I cannot be lazy.

Hair Will Grow Back.

2007-05-07T18:44:00.000+08:00

Going to the saloon always gives me mixed feelings - I somehow get excited to look forward to a having a nice trim and fresh look. At the same time,bad past experiences sends a total different message to me. Sitting on the swivel chair is like waiting on the death row.

One friend share this sentiment with me. We always have bad luck following us to every single saloon we visit. The outcome is usually a disaster, no matter how careful we are in our instructions and conservative we are in the choices we make. The end is always the same, a sad ending. Today, I got a sms from her she was devastated with her new haircut. I think I can relate to that. A bad hair cut kills the little self confidence we have, and it makes us a social phobic almost instantly. We would lock ourselves in our house, refuse to make any human contact, for their benefit. But she was also the one who once told me that "no matter how bad your haircut is, hair will always grow back". And so, I text her back, remind her the same thing, hoping to comfort her. Still, she was devastated.

We tend to get fixated during bad circumstances we face in life, don't we? It is natural for me to feel that this awful situation is here to stay. And I am all - so - stuck in it. I have this auto programmed script in my head that run automatically every time I face with hardship in life.

And I need to constantly remind myself that I am not a tree nor a pillar, and therefore I will not be stuck. Good times will come to an end, and so will bad times. Hair - will always grow back. :)

Tearsdrops Keep Falling

2007-05-04T20:10:00.000+08:00

As a child, I was an anxiety stricken child of all time. I cried most of the time, and I convinced myself that I had a depressed childhood (which is a distorted reality). I cried over everything.

In school, I cried when I did not know how to do a mathematics questions. A friend - Nik Serena helped me. I felt bad. I could not draw like others - I cried. A friend - Boon Heng, took my book home and drew, and coloured for me. When she returned my book with the drawing - it was a piglet, in pink - I cried because pigs aren't supposed to be pink in colour in my world. I felt helpless. A girl who sat across my desk, ask for an eraser from me, I didn't want to give it to her - she got all worked up and stretched her hand over and torn my book - I cried, the teacher had to come to my rescue. And there were more incidences like this beyond any space can contain. Of course, I don't always cry for bad things that befall me, I cried for joy too. Once I was waiting for my uncle to pick me up to a cousin's wedding party, I waited and waited. I thought he has forgotten all about me.. tears was swelling up again - and it burst when I saw at the corner of my eye, the little yellow cab he was driving, I was happy, and I cried.

Teenage years were not any easier on me - I cried a great deal - hurt, broken dreams and promises, deception. I was convinced that I might just go mad ( or blind).

You may wonder at this point, what have become of me from all these cryings. Do I still cry that much? Well, I do, under a variety of circumstances in life. I cried when I am angry, when I am tired, when I am worried. Again, too many to tell.

However, as I grow older, I do realize that it isn't that bad after all. I think crying is OK, as long as we are able to bounce back and compose ourselves again after that. You will feel all so better and be able to put your perspective on track again.Some say crying is a sign of weakness, but I think it takes great courage to be vulnerable and cry.

I just cried last night, because I was overwhelmed with work deadline and a crying baby.
Have you cry lately?

How Specific Can You Get?

2007-04-30T10:11:00.000+08:00

Comes one of the dreadful part of my job - marking exam scripts. Last night, as I was marking into the midnight, I was already feeling a bit cranky. At moment like this, I really appreciate short, direct and clear answer, not going around the bush etc. Exactly at 12am, I read the following answer of a student -

" A like B, but B prefer to like A. From B behaviour, talking, emotional, can feel that B is prefer like A, but C still like B even A know that B like A"

This makes me feel somewhat logically challenged.
Any logical intelligent person can decode this for me?

A Plan To Boycott

2007-04-26T16:37:00.000+08:00

I have not been to BB area for some time now. Stevie decided that we should go for a ride with Ryan after dinner at my mom-in-law's place. And so, we headed towards BB. As we drove along Jalan Raja Chulan, my heart stood still for a while, and then it slowly shattered as I saw this huge unfinished building standing on the ground of my former school. My poor school...

BBGS was torn down many years ago, and I am still pretty much in denial stage. And so, I said to Stevie (and Ryan) that I shall never set my foot into Pavillion (the new shopping mall that is currently being built on the former BBGS ground). Never. Ever.
Okay, maybe it is too early to say this.

On second thought, I would want to go there and try
to relive my memories of the school yard. Trying to spot the big dustbin place near the car park, the 3 toilets, the area facing the junior library where we once like to hang out during recess time, Prouse Wing - one of my favourite building in the school because it overlook to our school field with rows of old trees, the school hall where the countless of dreadful school assemblies were held. I liked clinic block too... so much memories.. sigh.. my poor school...

I hate the fact that they have changed the name to Sri Bintang now. I hate the fact that the school did not preserve her identity. I hate the fact that there was nothing that we can do to protect her, despite all signature exercises and protests.

I hate the fact that Stevie always remind me that my school is no longer there (physically).

But I always have a brilliant reply to him - that I don't need the physical building to remind me of my school, because it is standing very securely in my memory. But in my heart, I do wish it is still around..

Front view of Office Block - My Form 5 classroom (5K5) was here on the ground floor, facing the main road and Starhill thereafter. Lower Six Classroom was on the 1st floor, right beside the Principal's office. Yea.. it takes maturity to be next to the Principal's room.

Stairs from from the staffroom and science labs leading towards the hall. There was a few arches after this staircase, with greens on both sides.

Side view of the Junior Library. Beside the Glass Door, is a staircase leading up to the Prefects Room and Upper Six Classroom. We had to be really gentle walking up these squeaky wooden stairs.

Prouse Wing, overlooking the school field. My Form 2 and Form 3 classroom ( 2U and 3U) were here on the 1st floor. Note : Nevermind these 2 girls running in the photo, I have no idea who they are.

Staircase to Sewing Room B at Clinic Block. Next to this stairs was a the sick room - where students could pretend sick and sleep there for half aday ;) There were stories about this room, and I found it a bit chilly in there.... Next to this sick rom was my Form 1 classroom (1U)

And this is what is left now, all in the name of urban development.

Doesn't this breaks your heart.

The Means Justify The End?

2007-04-25T10:59:00.000+08:00

Something caught my eye in Brickfields on Monday morning. I saw this banner hanging shamelessly outside a restaurant.

A fundraising campaign for school - through the sale of beer??????? Makes me wonder what kind of school is the beneficiary.

I can imagine the extreme of the scenario:

Principal : Boys and Girls, our school needs fund to upgrade our school gym, we believe that it is essential for youngsters to have a healthy body, mind and spirit. And so, our school will participate in a fundraising project - please go home and ask your parents to drink more beer to support this event.

Students : Cheers!!!!! Yummmmm.. Sing....!!!!!

Maybe it was fun- raising instead of fundraising.

I shall be the next Idol.

2007-04-24T18:35:00.000+08:00

I never felt I was a good singer. I have never met someone who wants my singing so much. I have never sang aloud without feeling a tint of embarrassment . No one has told me they enjoyed my voice so much. Well, not till now.

For some reasons, babies feel secure when they hear mommy's voice (OK.. or daddy's, but mommy's more). Ryan is no exceptional. It is amazing how they can remember mommy's voice from days in the womb and come to recognise it when they arrive in this world. The first time I sang to Ryan, he rewarded me with a big smile and coo along with me. He was barely 2 months old then. What songs do I sing to him, you may wonder - I dug out one of my favourite songs that I learned during my secondary school years and made it into good use - Mrs. Abraham would be so proud of me. Ryan responds tremendously well to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" - he would be grinning from ear to ear every time he hears me sing this. I tried "I am A Happy Wanderer" too. But I cannot remember much of the words though.

Along with other nursery rhymes - I am a teapot, Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars, Are you Sleeping. But still, his favourite is Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to
Dreams really do come true

What Is In A Name

2007-04-24T14:02:00.000+08:00

One of the things that interest me in the people I meet, is their names. English names are pretty standard, it is only once in a while, we come across outstanding names, especially in Malaysia. Chinese names have an almost infinite combination of characters. You can mix and match anyway you like it, and still come up with a special unique name.

I like to ask people for the meanings of their name, and see if they really reflects the individual's personality. We do often notice there is a correlation between a person's characteristic and the name they are carrying. Of course, I am saying often and not in absolute terms.

When parents name their child, they give more than a name to be called by, they are giving a hope to their child. Most of the times, parents have an abundance of hope in their offspring, whether to the child's benefit or their own benefit. Or to remind themselves of something or someone precious to them. In olden days, Chinese name their kids Ah Ngau (cow), Ah Sui (water) because the cows and water were then priceless assets that determine their livelihood.
Some parents name their son Ah Choy (wealth) because they want to get rich.

We name our boy Mun Lok - in Chinese it means knowledge and happiness. Because I too,have a hope for him, that he will grow to be a knowledgeable and happy person, or rather - may he always know to how to embrace happiness and spread happiness to others in his life.

What is the meaning of your name? Are you living up to your name? ;P

Strawberry MilkShake

2007-04-23T17:19:00.000+08:00

I have been craving for strawberry milkshake for the past weeks. And watching my diet now, I was battling with evil twin inside on this. Finally, evil Stevo offered an irresistible offer, he would share half of my guilt on the milkshake - and so, I was a happy girl on the way to McD's drive-thru. It was the best milkshake I had in years, I thought I only took a little but Stevo accused me for finishing it all up. I just grinned...

Which is more sinful, to have a bit of milkshake every now and then, or finish it all up in one big gulp?

I guess when you are deprived on something for so long, nothing matters anymore - my diet.. oh well, we can always start tomorrow. ;)

Strawberry milkshake anyone?

Which Is Which?

2007-04-22T08:35:00.000+08:00

You can like the life you are living, or live the life you like.
These words made me ponder for a moment - trying to fit myself to one of the categories.

Being a phlegmatic most of the time, I have trouble recalling did I ever try to make my life - the life I want to live by. I am not an ambitious person by most people's standards, meaning - I don't want power, I don't want position, I don't want to own much property and things like that.
So, in my life, I was never aggressively pursuing the things above and that's one of the reason I know that corporate world is never meant for me. Does that make me a less ambitious person?

In lieu of those, I want to have a good night sleep every night, enough money to travel (modestly - backpack would be fine), time to spend with my family and friends, to do something that I am passionate about and not because for the money (but of course, need the money for survival too nonetheless), or just to stare blankly out the window sometimes with a hot cup of coffee. And now, I want to be able to have plenty of time for my son and ensure he gets the best out of his life. Does that make me an ambitious person?

You can like the life you are living, or live the life you like.
I think either way, is a choice to be made. Either you work your way up for the life you want, or come to terms with the limitations we have in life. Both requires hard work, don't you think?

How Paths Cross

2007-04-19T18:21:00.000+08:00

It always amazes me that the world is in fact such a tiny thing. We often realise that so-and-so who you know is a friend of a friend, a relative of a friend, a friend of a relative etc. You can say that is how small my social network is. Whatever you call it, still it is interesting to note how we are connected to one another in so many different ways. Consider this :-

1. I met one of my first coursemate, Wendy on a first day of class in almost total darkness (it was about 6am something, I think) - I was looking for the lecture hall like a blind fly. Soon I realised that she was staying in a nearby area of my parents place.

2. We then realised that we have some common friends - she came to my church and sunday school years before that. But I have never seen her.

3. One frightful morning in one of the years of Cheng Beng at my great-grandma's tomb, I heard a squeaky voice calling my name, it was still dark , so I could not really see who might be there. When I looked over the rows of tombs, I saw a big group of people, and an unknown girl was calling out my name. Standing beside her, was Wendy. Her grandparent tomb was just rows above my great-grandma's. And all these years, I have noticed them because they made so much noise during their prayers etc. But I have never seen her.

4. Wendy once worked in a place where her colleague was a close friend of ours.

5. When my brother got married - we realised that my sister in law's is from the same hometown as Wendy's mom - Sungai Lembing. But I have never been there.

6. When we visited my sis in law's place in Sg.Lembing, we realised that Wendy's grandpa's house is just next to my sis in laws' place. But I have never seen Wendy there.

7. Wendy got married this year. And her hubby is staying just a few roads across my current place now. But Wendy didn't stay long there, she has moved to US.

8. Some people say we look alike. But we never think that way, not completely.

I can't help but to wonder and look forward to knowing, if her move is an end to all our coincidences.
And I can't help but to think, maybe you are connected to me in many different ways too, perhaps we just didn't realise it all this time.

Here is a photo of wendy and i during uni days. I laugh everytime i see it. we look weird, i know.

Tombs - Spooky or Sentimental?

2007-04-17T15:49:00.000+08:00

Many people are not too comfortable with the thought of graveyard. I guess media has to be blamed for exemplifying the spook of graves in horror movies. Chinese movies are usually pretty good at that. And if you notice, the older graves do have not-too-artistic tombstone, usually they are bulky and heavy looking.

For some weird reasons, I find them interesting, mysterious and sentimental. I enjoyed visiting my grandma's grave every year on Cheng Beng. I would be sitting by its side, and secretly tell her stories of me latest updates. While my mom, will be making some public speech about each of our latest happenings ( almost) Grandma has most serene picture of all on her tombstone. Then I would inspect other pictures of her 'neighbours'. Some old and some young looking. I wondered what had happened to them, in the course of their lives. Especially those younger ones. And some tombs look as if they have been abandoned for years, I wondered too, what happened to their family - who for some reason or another, fail to come and clean it up.

Cheng Beng is a unique day for me personally - I enjoyed getting together as a family and show up in front of grandma's tomb. And it is also almost like an adventure by itself, because we set off from the house before the break of dawn and need to go uphill and downhill across muddy waters , and many times we get lost and will be searching for great-grandma's tomb. Sometimes I wonder if great-grandma is playing hide-and-seek with us.

I have missed all these since married. But never fails to remember them.

2007-04-16T17:16:00.000+08:00

Notice how extreme the weather can get these days?
One day, we are cursing at the scorching sun, another day we are lamenting about the gushing rainfalls. And it has to rain at the very second when I am trying to head home from work.

Just when I thought I could be home early today from work, just when I was wrapping up my work happily, I could hear a familiar thump outside the counselling lab - yes, it is the ole faithful rain that hasn't fail to come EVERYTIME I leave the office for the past weeks. It was so heavy that I could not see the building at the other side of the building. And so, I decided to call up dad to come and pick me up from the lrt station. He was stuck in the rain in BB too.

Dad needed lunch ( it was 3pm by the time I reached Amp Park lrt station) - so we stopped by at a coffee shop near my place for a cup of Teh Si and dad ordered roti bakar minus the kaya. It has been a while since dad and I sat together over a meal. It is not that often that we get to do that, and when we do, we do not have real lenghty conversations. Most of the times, he will be telling me stories about our sub-tenants in a house in BB, stray cats and dogs made a mess in his office, latest marketing gimmick by telcos, and things like that. And I would just be nodding my head and smilling and making short comments on his stories. As I sat studying his face, I notice dad has aged so much, my heart sank a little.

The Waiting

2007-04-15T20:45:00.000+08:00

We spend a great deal of our lives waiting.

We wait for buses

We wait in the countless queues

We wait for people.

We wait for the day to end

We wait for the weekends to come

We wait for the year end holidays

We wait for the special day to be remembered by

Student waits for the ring of bell

Worker waits for promotion and opportunities

Jobless waits for an offer

A homemaker waits for their children and husband to come home

A child waits for approval and love

Parents wait for their children to grow up

Teenagers wait to celebrate their freedom

Man and woman waits for the right person to come along

Grandparents wait for their first born grandchild

A lonely soul waits to be seen

A tired soul waits to be home

A hurting waits to be soothed

A dejected waits to be cheered

So what is the deal with all these waiting. The endless waiting each of us have to face with, at every juncture of our lives. Is it necessary? Can we not wait? Waiting is ironic. It can be tiring, frustrating. But with every waiting, there lies a hope within. And hope is important for us to live life, for a man without hope, is a man without life

2007-04-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

Subjectivity is something that is much feared by some, because reality in a subjective world can rise as high as the sky allows, and sink as deep as the earth permits. There is just no touching down, everything is floating and bouncing on the air of subjectivity. One can never find an absolute answer to anything, there are no rules nor laws, no pattern nor consistencies, the truth you hold onto maybe be shaken without warnings, because here, we live by the phenomenological world of others.

yet, much celebrated by others, because it allows creativity to blossom to its fullest, there will be no wrong answers, and there will never be just one answer, because we live by the phenomenological world of others.

And here, there will be no right nor wrong, it is just a matter of perspective - my perspective.